There are days when I want to escape
to pass up my exit and watch the sun go down
For just a brief time to be someone else
Maybe I'll find acceptance in another town
I know that you don't want me here
you're just afraid to let me go
We've tried before and shed so many tears
Again we are at this fork in the road
do we keep trying or just let it go?
I spend hours alone even by your side
We can't ignore what we both know
What has happened- have we grown apart?
Or have we hurt each other so badly
causing fatal damage to the heart?
Monday, August 22, 2011
Poetry: Lonely
The pain in my body
matches the pain in my soul
I'm up one day but down the next
at the verge of losing control
How can anyone really know me
when I don't even know myself
I know I was made for more
than just to sit upon a shelf
Long nights of loneliness
working things out in my head
Searching for where I belong
hope to find it before I'm dead
How can I feel so empty
when my life seems so full
The days when I truly feel loved
are the exception not the rule
matches the pain in my soul
I'm up one day but down the next
at the verge of losing control
How can anyone really know me
when I don't even know myself
I know I was made for more
than just to sit upon a shelf
Long nights of loneliness
working things out in my head
Searching for where I belong
hope to find it before I'm dead
How can I feel so empty
when my life seems so full
The days when I truly feel loved
are the exception not the rule
Monday, August 15, 2011
Making it through
Today's goal...making it through the day. Random pain in my legs thanks to a recent decision to be more active. At least the tickle on the tip of my nose that haunted me Friday and Saturday is not there today.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Poetry-Shades of grey
Through the haze I reach for you
it is your voice that guides me
Pain is my constant companion
but today I am all alone
I hear you call for me
and want nothing more than to answer
When I found you - I found myself
a locked away part of me now free
Allowed to speak my mind
haven't had a voice in quite a while
Someone that knows my heart
and accepts that there are shades of grey
To meet me where I am
and simply be there to hold my hand.
it is your voice that guides me
Pain is my constant companion
but today I am all alone
I hear you call for me
and want nothing more than to answer
When I found you - I found myself
a locked away part of me now free
Allowed to speak my mind
haven't had a voice in quite a while
Someone that knows my heart
and accepts that there are shades of grey
To meet me where I am
and simply be there to hold my hand.
My MS Experience
I would describe having a chronic illness as living life on a roller coaster. One of the greatest challenges with this disease has been finding someone who understands. The invisibility of my symptoms makes me feel crazy sometimes because I can feel incredibly bad but not look a bit different.
I have such a hard time explaining to people how I am feeling and how the MS affects me. Most of the time I just give up. My life has been changed since MS mainly by making me tired ALL of the time and not able to do as much as I used to. I can't spend much time outside when it is warm. My greatest fear from the MS is that I will lose even more of me and that I will be completely worthless.
What I have gained as a result of having MS is a greater understanding of pain and functioning with that constant "thorn in your side". MS has impacted my relationships with others because I do not think they can possibly understand and it is exhausting to try. I keep a lot from people about my feelings - in fact I probably keep it from myself too. I don't think I have expressed to anyone else how much I hate this disease and the person it has made me into. Most days I cannot stand being inside my own skin.
I have such a hard time explaining to people how I am feeling and how the MS affects me. Most of the time I just give up. My life has been changed since MS mainly by making me tired ALL of the time and not able to do as much as I used to. I can't spend much time outside when it is warm. My greatest fear from the MS is that I will lose even more of me and that I will be completely worthless.
What I have gained as a result of having MS is a greater understanding of pain and functioning with that constant "thorn in your side". MS has impacted my relationships with others because I do not think they can possibly understand and it is exhausting to try. I keep a lot from people about my feelings - in fact I probably keep it from myself too. I don't think I have expressed to anyone else how much I hate this disease and the person it has made me into. Most days I cannot stand being inside my own skin.
Boundaries and such
In addition to juggling the emotions and symptoms of MS I am also beginning some much needed work of personal reflection and relationship building. I just finished reading "Safe People" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend (the same guys that wrote "Boundaries"). All of these books are excellent. I read it thinking I was identifying unsafe people in my life only to find out that I have unsafe characteristics as well. Go figure. So I am currently doing a deep internal review of things that I do such as not having boundaries and holding on to stuff from my past. Whew, tough stuff but I know it is necessary for growth! It is difficult to establish boundaries while at the same time learning to ask for help.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Getting Stronger
Getting stronger now
a reason to keep on moving
Won't lose myself, I vow
Too much still to do
Getting braver now
ready to face tomorrow
Okay being myself
I kinda like me after all
Getting along with me
accepting some good
There's a reason for me
Want to do what I was made for
Getting a grip on things
surrounding myself with love
The ones who love me
will still be by my side
a reason to keep on moving
Won't lose myself, I vow
Too much still to do
Getting braver now
ready to face tomorrow
Okay being myself
I kinda like me after all
Getting along with me
accepting some good
There's a reason for me
Want to do what I was made for
Getting a grip on things
surrounding myself with love
The ones who love me
will still be by my side
Love me for who I am
taking the bad with the good
Walk by my side
or keep on walking
taking the bad with the good
Walk by my side
or keep on walking
A Way to Love Me Again
Looking for a way to love me again
To leave this corner that I'm backed in
I changed my number
And changed my mind
Gotta find a way to stop
Thinking all the time
About what may have been
And who I once was
Cant let you tell me
Who I should become
Gotta figure it out on my own
Find some type of comfort all alone
Maybe there is somethin
I can offer this world
I want to wake up tomorrow
and just be ok
To leave this corner that I'm backed in
I changed my number
And changed my mind
Gotta find a way to stop
Thinking all the time
About what may have been
And who I once was
Cant let you tell me
Who I should become
Gotta figure it out on my own
Find some type of comfort all alone
Maybe there is somethin
I can offer this world
I want to wake up tomorrow
and just be ok
Writing
When I write it is almost like
I'm not really sick at all
The words just flow
and my pen don't know
the things I can't recall
I'm not really sick at all
The words just flow
and my pen don't know
the things I can't recall
Thinking of all that MS has taken
it is surreal to have a break
Giving in to dreams and musings
my mind can concentrtate
it is surreal to have a break
Giving in to dreams and musings
my mind can concentrtate
So thankful for this respite
I'm tempted to just stay
But I hide away each chance I get
until reality pulls me away
I'm tempted to just stay
But I hide away each chance I get
until reality pulls me away
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